http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=biJkDn5dVoY
I'm not really sure what this post will be for. Something to do with my rant against time. It may be one of those that goes nowhere.
Everyday, when I come home from work, the first thing I do to feel relaxed is take off my watch. It feels like my prison and slavery.
Even during school, I often take off my watch and leave it on my desk like it's some sort of weird miniature enemy. Mostly I do this when I have time to play guitar, because it gets in the way. I don't understand how so many people play with a million obstacles : rattly watches, bracelets, scarves, fringed jackets, long hair in their eyes, hats....all that would bug the crap outta me. I hate having things on my forearms, anyway, which is why I usually have my sleeves rolled or pushed up. Hate things around my neck, too--feels like I'm suffocating. I think it has something to do with being sorta hot blooded: the veins and arteries in my neck and wrists feel like they need to breathe.
There is nothing I like better than a long stretch of days where I have the luxury of avoiding time--no alarm clocks, no dinner time, long walks to nowhere going who knows where for how long---not being accountable to anyone or anything. Sometimes I think I'd be willing to walk all the way to Alaska this way, as long as nobody told me what to do.
My family seems to be immersed in an inordinate love of time--gettin' up time, goin' to school time, rehearsal time, going-to- the- store time, laundry time, dinner time, goin'to bed time...I am secretly always rebelling against these for some ridiculous reason. How can someone be so enamored of routine ?? -Retch-
I've already said on another post, my favorite watch featured a hologram that looked like someone shot the clock face to stop time.
I think one of my favorite features of being tipsy/drunk is that it temporarily gives the illusion of timelessness. I'm sure that is one of the elements that draws in the addict of many substances.
It's also why I frequently stay up past my bedtime. And take walks at random hours. And love the timeless feeling of dreams.
And despise meetings of any kind. Especially if they require "Minutes".
Of course, there is this irony, that one of my favorite parts of life (Music) is completely dependent on time.
Which I am not good at. But which I secretly admire as the most important element of music--which--I am not good at.
Hah! I just noticed that for whatever reason, this post recorded it's initial posting time at least 2 hours off. That should make me happy. After all, time is relative.
One of the things that bugs me about time is how much I still feel myself, as I get older. In fact, whenever I have the chance to look back at my younger thoughts, it impresses me how much I actually haven't changed, although my circumstances have. I need to give my younger self more credit-- Dealing with different outside bullshit, reacting to the same old me. I should be used to the outside treating me like an alien by now, and perhaps I am more comfortable than that now--more willing to dismiss the outsiders as lost souls. Yet I realize the outside world views me differently.
So--this makes me think about Dr. Who. I love Dr. Who--especially David Tennant. I wanna be a time lord. Except I hear it's really lonely, knowing all the people will go before you, and you may be the cause of their demise. Imagine, though, being able to go to any time or anywhere in the universe. That would be so boss.
For some reason, this is the part that really gets to me these days, though. It's when Dr. Who meets someone he really feels a tight bond for, but then one of them time travels so that they are now awkward for a relationship, because one's so much older. Yet the feelings are intact. So odd and sad.
Something so strange about the Dr. Who writers: they have this laser-pointer ability to show people forming eternal bonds in a matter of seconds. Such heavy emotional content for a sci-fi show. I suppose that is what I love, the romantic in me that believes in the importance of these things. Dr. Who loves Rose, (in a Platonic way? Dunno, there's a waterfall of sexual tension in their scenes, but it never gets culminated in the story--perhaps the best way;) but also seems to feel deep feelings for Mrs. Moore ( a fake name so she can fight the cybermen incognito), who left her husband to save him, and then died for the cause. The cause, you say? Yes, good question. It seems to have something to do with those bonds.
I think my rebellion against time has to do with my quest to not be placed in a box. To be free from anything but my own soul. Not entirely realistic, but still an indefinable, and yet, sought after, goal. Part of my purpose, to distill down to me. Nothing irritates me more than to watch people participate in some standardized ritual of how they think they should behave. Then give the impression they have grounds to judge. Because they themselves are good citizens of the box.
Ironically, I have had several people in my life of late seem to try to nail me in a prefab box--for disparate reasons, I think. Some might be misunderstandings, projections, miscalculations, preconceived notions planted and strewn about like so many weeds in our cultural consciousness. So many people think they can understand me. Hehheheh-heh. ? Shall I sing some Alice in Chains? But I'm not a man.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAqZb52sgpU
I don't even really like this song that much, except perhaps the chorus, when he kicks in with, "SAAAAAyyyeeyeyeyaaaaave me..... Jesus Christ"....
I defy you, starry. Maybe it's best you don't know.
Strange the dichotomy of wanting and not wanting to be understood.
As Hamlet says, "We've all a heart to our mystery", and I feel no obligation to sound mine--- unless I feel so moved . "Is it safe," outside the box?
I don't know. I feel myself getting stranger and stranger. More alone, and happier in that. I find I look most forward to having a few hours alone, so I can fully immerse myself in my own thoughts, my own choice of music, my own fantasies and visions and pretend connections--well, they have some basis in reality, but... not much. Time out of joint. Good place to be. I know I have an obsessive personality that tends to chase good ideas, people, down to the nth degree--but I am welcoming that lately--while working on a modicum (whose word is that--hah! John!) of control.
One my students told me today that I was the smartest person said student has ever met---not sure whether or not to be flattered by this. Said person's perspective?? We have a much better relationship than I had imagined--but mostly because I figured how to play it, and I'll be damned if I wasn't right....not that I particularly enjoy "playing"people in this fashion--but if it greases the skids of my life and causes my little microcosm to hum in harmony, why not? Better than being perverse. What did Descartes say? Use it for good, not evil... The universe seems to be singing my song: I didn't even get caught being irresponsible today--didn't even need my ready-made excuse...
Rude, not ginger:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGs_ryZ9bfY
I saw a strange little movie last night that discusses a new idea for me. God wants us out of time. Up with him. Time only exists, history goes on, from our constant rejection of this offer (which includes death). In the movie the idea is presented that death is a dream state from which you can't awake.
Jan 25: Wow, can't remember what movie that was/\. Sounds cool ,though. Why didn't I write dow the title?!
May 6, 2018:--(this is out of time, haha--a break in the space time continuum..) I finally found the name of this movie--it's THE BRAND NEW TESTAMENT!
So, lately I've been discussing with myself this strange idea that I'm not in the same time loop as the people around me. It's really stupid. I think I must be delusional, or ready to have some sort of psychotic break, but I just don't feel like I'm aging at the same rate as other people around me.
You would think this would be a good thing, but it's very disorienting. It makes me feel like I bond better with people who are NOT my age. This makes me feel like a creep. I'm starting to feel sympathy with, like, all those creepy old men who like younger women. I understand why they feel incompatible with people their age who want to naturally slow down. But I don't. Ewww!
The people I know, my age, seem so incredibly fragile about things they once wouldn't think twice about. I feel immune to this. I know, we are all growing older: our bodies slower, fatter, droopier, less attractive, more rest and sleep oriented. Getting joy from food. Sitting. And sitting. Having health issues. Unable to get interested in the more curious things in life. Less experimental.
I must be the contrary one, once again. I want more!!! Ok, I can't run like I used to. I have a few health issues, but other than altering some small behaviors, I hardly ever think about this, because it's not a daily problem. My knees are starting to bother me regularly, but I feel better walking. And I don't think that's denial--I think I'm exceptionally healthy--always have been. Ok, I can't run like I used to. But I was nuts then. I'm definitely heavier--but not in an entirely awful way. I still get...nevermind.
I actually feel like my brain is speeding up, instead of slowing down. Is that normal? I've been putting even more things in it than I used to. More books, more music, more guitar, more movies, more words, more ideas. For example, in the last 4 years, I have, for the first time in my life, gotten decent in a foreign language: Italian. Ok, I'm not fluent, like reading Dante cold or whatever, but I'm decent for basic conversations? So now I took on a second language--Russian. So much harder, so much different from my native language. And. I'm learning it faster than Italian. AND--?? I never even took a class, like I did with Italian--just learned it on my own on the Internet. I'm already trying to read a book in that language. Again, I am quite, quite far from fluent, but, WTF? What does this mean?
So, to misquote Hamlet, what are creatures, caught twixt heaven and earth, like myself, to do? Do I have to suck up to convention and deflate myself with the old folks? Or should I put up my shields full tilt, and face the derision of wading into the younger world.. Zigzag between both? It's not like I've ever wanted to do anything particularly subversive--drugs or promiscuous sex or anything. But, I do want to continually live, rather than die in life.
Eh. Most people bore me, anyway, not just the older ones. 98% of the young ones, too.
