Time? Original Post Tuesday, Nov 13, 2012

Time?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=biJkDn5dVoY

I'm not really sure what this post will be for.  Something to do with my rant against time.  It may be one of those that goes nowhere.

Everyday, when I come home from work, the first thing I do to feel relaxed is take off my watch.  It feels like my prison and slavery.

Even during school, I often take off my watch and leave it on my desk like it's some sort of weird miniature enemy.  Mostly I do this when I have time to play guitar, because it gets in the way.  I don't understand how so many people play with a million obstacles : rattly watches, bracelets, scarves, fringed jackets,  long hair in their eyes, hats....all that would bug the crap outta me.  I hate having things on my forearms, anyway, which is why I usually have my sleeves rolled or pushed up.  Hate things around my neck, too--feels like I'm suffocating.  I think it has something to do with being sorta hot blooded:  the veins and arteries in my neck and wrists feel like they need to breathe.

There is nothing I like better than a long stretch of days where I have the luxury of avoiding time--no alarm clocks, no dinner time, long walks to nowhere going who knows where for how long---not being accountable to anyone or anything.   Sometimes I think I'd be willing to walk all the way to Alaska this way, as long as nobody told me what to do.

 My family seems to be immersed in an inordinate love of time--gettin' up time, goin' to school time,  rehearsal time, going-to- the- store time, laundry time, dinner time,  goin'to bed time...I am secretly always rebelling against these for some ridiculous reason.  How can someone be so enamored of routine ??  -Retch-

I've already said on another post, my favorite watch featured a hologram that looked like someone shot the clock face to stop time.

I think one of my favorite features of being tipsy/drunk is that it temporarily gives the illusion of timelessness.   I'm sure that is one of the elements that draws in the addict of many substances.

It's also why I frequently stay up past my bedtime. And take walks at random hours.  And love the timeless feeling of dreams.

And despise meetings of any kind.  Especially if they require "Minutes".

Of course, there is this irony, that one of my favorite parts of life (Music)  is completely dependent on time.

Which I am not good at.  But which I secretly admire as the most important element of music--which--I am not good at.

Hah!  I just noticed that for whatever reason, this post recorded it's initial posting time at least 2 hours off.  That should make me happy.  After all, time is relative.

One of the things that bugs me about time is how much I still feel myself, as I get older.  In fact, whenever I have the chance to look back at my younger thoughts, it impresses me how much I actually haven't changed, although my circumstances have.  I need to give my younger self more credit--  Dealing with different outside bullshit, reacting to the same old me.  I should be used to the outside treating me like an alien by now, and perhaps I am more comfortable than that now--more willing to dismiss the outsiders as lost souls. Yet I realize the outside world views me differently.

So--this makes me think about Dr. Who.   I love Dr. Who--especially David Tennant.   I wanna be a time lord.  Except I hear it's really lonely, knowing all the people will go before you, and you may be the cause of their demise.  Imagine, though,  being able to go to any time or anywhere in the universe.  That would be so boss.

For some reason, this is the part  that really gets to me these days, though. It's when Dr. Who meets someone he really feels a tight bond for, but then one of them time travels so that they are now awkward for a relationship, because one's so much older.  Yet the feelings are intact.  So odd and sad.

Something so strange about the Dr. Who writers:  they have this laser-pointer ability to show people forming eternal bonds in a matter of seconds.  Such heavy emotional content for a sci-fi show.  I suppose that is what I love, the romantic in me that believes in the importance of these things.  Dr. Who loves Rose, (in a Platonic way?  Dunno, there's a waterfall of sexual tension in their scenes, but it never gets culminated in the story--perhaps the best way;) but also seems to feel deep feelings for Mrs. Moore ( a fake name so she can fight the cybermen incognito),   who left her husband to save him, and then died for the cause.  The cause, you say?  Yes, good question.  It seems to have something to do with those bonds.

I think my rebellion against time has to do with my quest to not be placed in a box.  To be free from anything but my own soul.  Not entirely realistic, but still an indefinable, and yet, sought after, goal.    Part of my purpose, to distill down to me.   Nothing irritates me more than to watch people participate in some standardized ritual of how they think they  should behave.  Then give the impression they have grounds to judge.  Because they themselves are good citizens of the box.

Ironically, I have had several people in my life of late seem to try to nail me in a prefab box--for  disparate reasons, I think.  Some might be misunderstandings, projections, miscalculations, preconceived notions planted and strewn about like so many weeds in our cultural consciousness.  So many people think they can understand me.  Hehheheh-heh. ?  Shall I sing some Alice in Chains?  But I'm not a man.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAqZb52sgpU

I don't even really like this song that much, except perhaps the chorus, when he kicks in with, "SAAAAAyyyeeyeyeyaaaaave me..... Jesus Christ"....

 I defy you, starry.  Maybe it's best you don't know.

Strange the dichotomy of wanting and not wanting to be understood.


As Hamlet says, "We've all a heart to our mystery", and I feel no obligation to sound mine--- unless I feel so moved .  "Is it safe," outside the box?

I don't know.  I feel myself getting stranger and stranger.  More alone, and happier in that.   I find I  look most forward to having a few hours alone, so I can fully immerse myself in my own thoughts, my own choice of music, my own fantasies and visions and pretend connections--well, they have some basis in reality, but... not much.  Time out of joint.  Good place to be.  I know I have an obsessive personality that tends to chase good ideas, people, down to the nth degree--but I am welcoming that lately--while working on a modicum (whose word is that--hah! John!) of control.


  One my students told me today that I was the smartest person said student has ever met---not sure whether or not to be flattered by this.  Said person's perspective??  We have a much better relationship than I had imagined--but mostly because I figured how to  play it, and I'll be damned if I wasn't right....not that I particularly enjoy "playing"people in this fashion--but if it greases the skids of my life and causes my little microcosm to hum in harmony, why not?  Better than being perverse.  What did Descartes say?  Use it for good, not evil...  The universe seems to be singing my song: I didn't even get caught being irresponsible today--didn't even need my ready-made excuse...

Rude, not ginger:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGs_ryZ9bfY

I saw a strange little movie last night that discusses a new idea for me.  God wants us out of time. Up with him.  Time only exists, history goes on, from our constant rejection of this offer (which includes death).  In the movie the idea is presented that death is a dream state from which you can't awake.

Jan 25:  Wow, can't remember what movie that was/\.  Sounds cool ,though.  Why didn't I write dow the title?!
May 6, 2018:--(this is out of time, haha--a break in the space time continuum..)  I finally found the name of this movie--it's THE BRAND NEW TESTAMENT!

So, lately I've been discussing with myself this strange idea that I'm not in the same time loop as the people around me.  It's really stupid.  I think I must be delusional, or ready to have some sort of psychotic break, but I just don't feel like I'm aging at the same rate as other people around me.

You would think this would be a good thing, but it's very disorienting.  It makes me feel like I bond better with people who are NOT my age.  This makes me feel like a creep.  I'm starting to feel sympathy with, like, all those creepy old men who like younger women.  I understand why they feel incompatible with people their age who want to naturally slow down.  But I don't. Ewww!

 The people I know, my age, seem so incredibly fragile about things they once wouldn't think twice about.  I feel immune to this.  I know, we are all growing older: our bodies slower, fatter, droopier, less attractive, more rest and sleep oriented.  Getting joy from food. Sitting.  And sitting.  Having health issues. Unable to get interested in the more curious things in life.  Less experimental.

I must be the contrary one, once again.  I want more!!!  Ok, I can't run like I used to.  I have a few health issues, but other than altering some small behaviors, I hardly ever think about this, because it's not a daily problem.  My knees are starting to bother me regularly, but I feel better walking. And I don't think that's denial--I think I'm exceptionally healthy--always have been.  Ok, I can't run like I used to. But I was nuts then. I'm definitely heavier--but not in an entirely awful way.  I still get...nevermind.

I actually feel like my brain is speeding up, instead of slowing down.  Is that normal?  I've been putting even more things in it than I used to. More books, more music, more guitar, more movies, more words, more ideas.  For example, in the last 4 years, I have, for the first time in my life, gotten decent in a foreign language:  Italian.  Ok, I'm not fluent, like reading Dante cold or whatever, but I'm decent for basic conversations?  So now I took on a second language--Russian.  So much harder, so much different from my native language.  And.  I'm learning it faster than Italian.  AND--??  I never even took a class, like I did with Italian--just learned it on my own on the Internet. I'm already trying to read a book in that language.  Again, I am quite, quite far from fluent, but, WTF?  What does this mean?

So, to misquote Hamlet, what are creatures, caught twixt heaven and earth, like myself, to do?  Do I have to suck up to convention and deflate myself with the old folks?  Or should I put up my shields full tilt, and face the derision of wading into the younger world..  Zigzag between both?  It's not like I've ever wanted to do anything particularly subversive--drugs or promiscuous sex or anything.  But, I do want to continually live, rather than die in life.

Eh.  Most people bore me, anyway, not just the older ones. 98% of the young ones,  too.

Oh, crap.

So, This is a test.  It seems like I won't be allowed to edit my old posts under my new e-mail address, just read,  share, and make new blog posts.  More investigation....

This is one of the things that bothers me --losing access to my own work.

Dec 17, 2018:

Thank god I did this-- would have lost everything when they disabled my account today!!  Now I have lost editing privileges for all the other posts.  I'm wondering if I take off the other e-mail address if it will change my status -worth trying.

It can't be done since I no longer have the account.  So now, I just went through and copied every goddam post so I can still edit them if I want.  And now I have double posts for everything.  But I'm curious of how this will effect traffic.  Will the old ones no longer get hits at all?  Will the new ones have less traffic because they're unknown?  Curious.

Weird--can't access the stats page anymore?

10:57p.m.--so, the video teacher thing rejected me.  Who am I kidding, I would not have liked that job.  I felt awkward doing it, and now I feel humiliated.  I really didn't like how it was set up--I had all of 12 hours (less really) to put a presentation together, with no idea of how long it would be or what the evaluation would be about.  Turns out I got criticized for having bad camera angles, for not getting through the lesson (it didn't say how long it would be, until an hour before--you couldn't access the site to practice before that!)  Plus, I'm not used to dealing with very young kids, like a 5 year old!  I mean, the evaluator was right, this wasn't a good match for me, but how was I to know what they wanted without any information given.  I asked if they had older student, and she said they did, but I don't think that's a big part of their program.  It sounds kinda like a not so great company in spite of its ratings.  Chinese kids have to have other ways to learn basic conversational English that is more productive.  A 15 minute lesson, and all you learn is about 6 words?  I wouldn't buy into that for my kids.  Oh, well.  Chalk it up to experience--maybe other tutoring businesses are better.  I was just impressed with myself getting all the technology lined up in time.  I guess I was supposed to have practiced timing the lesson, but screw that.

 I suppose I was a little over-confident that this would be a shoo-in for me.  I think Ken better brace himself for the fact that I'm now a loser, that ageism is real, and he needs to downsize his spending habits.  That's the thing.  If it was just me to consider, I'd take my little ol' retirement and go live a frugal life somewhere.  Not Ken--he's always been a bit on the gluttonous  side.

Faith

December 15, 2017

This morning as I was walking to school, I was scrolling through my phone, looking for some entertainment to pass the time.  I saw someone's essay on Goodreads, on a review about Bertrand Russell's Why I'm Not a Christian, which I read years ago, and put in the vault along with all my other thoughts about philosophy, God, religion and the great existential questions.

Not to mention, all the great literature I've read throughout my life, from all over the world, that reinforces and elaborates on these ideas.

Since I taught a British lit class that  I felt needed a walk through Western culture, its philosophies and evolution of cultural ideas, I often got this question from students, usually after we had long left the comforts of Medieval and Renaissance Christianity and were delving into Scientific Rationalism and Existentialism--so, what do you believe?

Short answer, I would say, if I didn't want to get into it, or read the room as a bit aggressive:
      "It's Complicated".  Or, "Well, I was raised Catholic..."

I think some of my students read my very intimate and extensive knowledge of Catholic ritual and history as belief.  My faith, so to speak.  They would be right on a very surface level.  Catholicism is a piece of my soul I cannot remove or deny, just like I can't avoid being Italian, Irish, British, and some other Eastern European bloodline.  I can't erase 17 years of my life or even my family's continued pressure.  They are definitely Catholic, most of them.  Others kinda see-saw.

There is something about the richness and awe in the ceremonies and churches of Catholicism. It just sort of amazes me that fairly primitive human beings came up with such a concept, to civilize and pacify humanity's violent tendencies.  And, in some cases, it worked--Kings were not rebeled against, men reeled in some of their baser animalistic natures, particularly for sex.  Women were revered (in theory--when they weren't being abused) on some level and protected. Of course, there were all those Church fueled wars. However, there was also a facade of politeness that was reinforced by the church structure.

In these days of incivility I can respect that.

And Jesus.  I like Jesus, but not in the same way these redneck Southern baptists do. I don't emblazon him on my truck and drive like a madman disregarding others' safety. As a general principle I have much greater respect for the older, more traditional religious practices: Catholicism, but also Eastern and Greek Orthodox, Judaism.  See, these are solid, steadfast, and not mutating all over the place.  Although I don't agree with the Pope on things like birth control and such, but he always maintains the same baseline.  Who's the biggest peacenik in the world?  The Pope, through Vietnam, Middle Eastern messes, nuclear war,  terrorism, North Korean threats, he always reinforces Jesus' message of peace, in defiance of the politics of the times.  That's cool. And poverty--he's the only world figure going to bat for the poor these days.

I have less and less respect for the myriad forms of Southern Christianity in America.  In fact, I would like to state that I can see, in the very public forms,  very little that exhibits Christian morality in their ideas and practices--as they mutate into a thousand political forms. All that bullshit about being blessed and superior as an excuse for being rich and cheating people--God wanted them to do it-He sanctioned it!   Cart before the horse thinking.

And those dip shits marrying and blessing their guns!!WTF!!

First, here's the baseline I was taught, and still believe in:

• #1--The Golden Rule:  Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You. 

It's like the Christian version of Karma.

Where has this idea disappeared to?  I was taught this should be the center of morality--if you followed this faithfully, you were a decent, moral person.  Of course, everyone has their lapses--that's what confession, prayer is for--moments of meditation, to really think about what you had done or said, especially if it bothers you in some way--possibly you did something wrong that needs working out.  Notice that the Golden Rule is all about fostering compassion for others, walking in their shoes, being a thoughtful, considerate person--not a guard dog constantly on the attack.  You are supposed to police your own soul, not others.

And this is where the Southern Christians (and many Republicans) go so far off the rails----

with a little help from their money-grubbing, political friends.  To paraphrase Fiddler o n the Roof--"God Bless and keep the NRA, far, far away from me..."  ( the original was the Цар).

I'm not saying all Southern Christians are like this, but it is the message that is publicly seen from them, and I don't see too many having the guts to stand up and contradict their rabid, and rich, leaders. 

• #2-  The Seven Deadly Sins:

             ---Pride
             ---Envy
             ---Anger
             ---Greed
             ---Gluttony
             ---Sloth
             ---Lechery, Lust

And, every reinforcing piece of literature, from medieval times on, that illustrates how these can enter human life. Pride, of course, being the devil's own sin, and #1 one of what not to do in order to be a good person.  I admit struggling constantly with my pride; of my knowledge, schooling, pov, skills and abilities. I do try!  One problem about this in the modern world is humility--the opposite of pride--is seen as weakness.  I suspect it has so much to do with why powerful men have decided it's their birthright to control the "weaker" women in their lives.  ( And people of other races, backgrounds). But see how medieval thinking (maybe not actions--these were ideals, of course) used to undercut those grandiose ideas?  Even the simple idea of courtesy, of the big, bad knight dedicating his service, platonically, to a lady?  That whole unrequited love trope.

Greed is the interesting one for the day.  And echoing that New Testament adage:  "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man to get into heaven."  It doesn't say it's impossible (how big a needle, how big a camel?)  But you can see the tipping point--greed.  All these folks who believe they are using their hard-earned money for the greater good: are they?  I can see someone convincing themselves they are contributing to the greater good by, say, contributing to a political party, but are they really just lying to themselves about fattening their own cushy lives? Or  using a tax break--which substantially takes away from others--claiming they are going to be "job-creators".  I think it's awfully hard for a businessman who feels he's worked very hard for his bread, deserves his cushion, fears a fall and is providing for his children--so many ways to play the compassion game--and I do think fear is an intense motivator, the forgotten underlying motive, that fuels an unconscious need to keep acquiring more and more.  I do understand the pressure to get your child properly educated and prepared for adulthood, but it seems there is a  better way than merely giving them things; you should also give a little hardship, motivate and teach, possibly even with a little deprivation.  The endgame is self-reliance, no? which does not come in a box.

 I have students with 4 I-phones, all active.
Seems there's just an awful lot of unnecessary crap that comes in a box.


Labels are so easy to take on.  Generalizing and judging.

• #3 Judge not, lest ye be judged.  That's the smartest idea of all.  And one we all miss on regularly.

• #4 (Roy Moore's sin of Pride): The 10 Commandments

     -Worship no other gods but the Almighty-no false gods
     -Do not take the Lord's name in Vain
     -Keep holy the Sabbath
     -Honor your father and mother
     -Do not kill
     -Don't commit adultery
     -Do not steal
     -Do not lie
     -Do not covet your neighbor's goods
     -Do not covet your neighbor's wife

Of course, in all of these, the devil is in the details.  What is adultery, killing, lying, stealing? Keeping holy the Sabbath?   Thousands of years of traditions for differing religions have been built out of the different answers to these questions.   Many of us think Roy Moore has broken several of these, but he doesn't think so.  Maybe he wanted that big monument up to remind himself.  But why did it have to be on Government property?

Can I make an argument that the GOP taking away their neighbor's healthcare is covetous and stealing?
   
I don't think too many clear headed people would argue with the spirit of these ideas,  even if they might argue the letter of some churches' interpretations.  Atheists might argue against the false gods, Sabbath, and Lord's name commandments, but I think if you consider the spirit in them, even an atheist should see the sense as pertains to the rhythms of a good, thoughtful life: have a day of rest and contemplation.  Swearing is usually done as insult--don't do it.  Don't be taken in by Messianic bullshit, including churches who worship--eh, L. Ron Hubbard or their false creation of business "Jesus".

I'm big on taking this to a sensible level to a plane of mutual understanding, not some church's devilish details, including the Catholics'.

So am I really Catholic?  It's complicated.
Do I believe in Scientific Facts?  Most certainly, the ones that have been proved and seem logical.
Am I an Atheist?  I don't think the atheist, scientists have evidence there is no God, as they should if they want to take that route. Can't prove a negative in logic, right?  DT needs to learn that.
Am I agnostic?  Possibly.  But I like the feel of believing something better is possible even if it's almost impossible.
I also feel truth in Buddhism, although that's harder to break down into moral behavior, except also to sacrifice yourself and understand your relationship to the other in life.
I still think these rules stated above are good ones, until we come up with something better.

I do believe, in spite of the news and appearances of the world, that good  will out over evil, or bad, or negativity, whatever you want to call it.  I think most people have an instinct for it.  I think people can change, even if you shouldn't help them reinforce their most negative qualities, perhaps by helping them too much.  Let them have their own responsibilities to ruin or redeem their lives. I believe in love, as I have stated elsewhere, and although it's terribly hard to define--eros? agape? Fraternal or motherly??  I'm certain it exists, is not a figment of romantic imaginations.  I have faith that the majority of folks are on an upward trajectory of reaching towards the light.

Dec 19:  The Young Pope shall send this thread in a strange direction.  More after digestion.

I do want to get to the place where religion goes wrong, where it becomes rigid and inflexible, when it fails at complexity, that is looking at life's complexities.  Then, there is fanaticism.  A word that has been watered down to fan.  Fan of--um, Kiss, or Miley Cyrus, or Depeche Mode.

A fanatic is much worse.  Akin to a terrorist.  In its sense of extremism. Its tendency towards the black and white, love and hate.

Hate to resort to this sort of thing, but here's a dictionary definition for fanatic:
a person filled with excessive and single-minded zeal, especially for an extreme religious or political cause.

Much of the world's problems are bred in fanatics. Monomaniacs with a narrow view.

Jan 10:  However, I have a particular distaste for the points of view of the people I know who are atheists.  In seems to become stronger in those who may have been forced into religion early in their life, by family or culture.  It irritates me to death that some atheists, especially two I know too well, think this philosophy is bred from some superior intellect, some superior objectivity that is guiding their, um, non-soul.  Prove it, say I.  Prove there is no God.  no spiritual force, unseen, working in the universe. What is it?  Lessee, isn't there some maxim in logic theory that you cannot prove a negative? * So, therein lies the flaw in their logic--D.O.A.  So, they usually resort to the ad hominem argument that religious people are fools, deceiving themselves.  Not exactly an objective argument.

* see Betrand Russell's argument about the teapot in outerspace for a rebuttal, but then there are plenty of rebuttals to his rebuttal...

I think perhaps just like you can have religious fanatics, you can have atheist fanatics.  They are obsessed with the idea of proving spiritual ideas to be wrong, most commonly by using a lot of straw man arguments--pointing out the idiocy of snake-handlers and Pentacostals and violent Christians who don't turn the other cheek, the greed of the Medieval Church preaching that greed is the root of all evil and taking everyone's money--sure, they did that.  All those things may be true, but it's only the far side of the spectrum--doesn't prove that spirituality, or any particular religion has no merit whatsoever.  It's just another extreme view to me.

I showed my Drama class today several clips about MLKing, Robert Kennedy, JFK, to give them some context about the 60s, and the upcoming MLK holiday for which we are getting a day off--except for me who stupidly volunteered to get up early to go with the group taking the boarders to Cape Canaveral to the Kennedy Space station before I knew I coulda had the day off.  Eh, I'm kinda glad I'm going--besides sleeping in, what would I have done with myself?  I like my boarder kids this year.  It made me feel nice when some sparked up to know I was going with them.  ))

But back to MLK/JFK/RFK.  I had pulled up the "I Had A Dream" speech b/c one of the Chinese kids had asked why we had Monday off and who was MLK anyway? So, since this class still has a lot of AWOL Holiday people, and this group sorta works independently, I figured I could show the video and they could watch it or not while they did their work.  Honestly, if you are paying attention and have any humanity, any notion of the context, I don't know how any sentient being could not help being moved by that speech.  Add to it the "I Been to The Mountaintop"speech, knowing he's gonna die that week...

Well, when my Drama kids walked in, who are 60% or more African American--some are mixed race--I purposely left the MLK speech up, wondering if they'd ask to see it--thinking they are making the teacher go off topic (beware the guile of teachers planning a teachable moment.)  They asked, I started it up, and one had the temerity to ask--so, that was during the Reagan administration right?  It was a very sincere question, and I explained it was the 80s when Reagan was Pres: this was the glorious and terrible 1960s.

So, recognizing the appalling lack of knowledge our school system had afforded this curious African-American young man, who regularly spouts pop culture references to Malcolm X and the Black Panthers, but doesn't seem to know why they existed, I launched into a mini-history lesson that featured my personal time in these historical moments.  My first stop was RFK's announcement, during his  jump into the  1968 Presidential Campaign as a last minute candidate, of the assassination.  He made a quite stirring and emotional speech, that only he could have made, in his place in history, having the arduous task of telling a huge crowd of his supporters that Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., on that night in April, had been shot and killed (I added the detail for my audience that the horrid shooter was a man from my small home town in Illinois).  To the questions about the racist nature of my town, I explained what I knew about the complicated racial history of my town, the white landowners who before the Civil War bought land and gave it to runaway slaves who came to our town through the Underground Railroad up the Mississippi. And actively made rumours of "Indian sightings" to keep nosy slave-catcher types away.  About the white abolitionist who was murdered by other white men, the laws in Illinois that weren't exactly "slavery", but allowed one to keep another man or woman in indentured servitude with no pay for 99 years..

I could see RFK's speech had had the desired effect, and explained that he himself was assassinated two months after.  Then I showed the Zapruder film in all its blurriness, so they would understand why Robert had the moral authority to tell Blacks to use reason, not attack all white men, because he had experienced the same sort of violence at the hands of a white man--and everyone felt the weight of those words. I let it run a little into a short clip about the magic Bullet theory and why it was wrong, but explained how Americans were feeling, why there was so much skepticism to believe authority.  Then we went back to "I Have a Dream", after I gave some local history of life in St. Pete for blacks pre-LBJ, who gave himself Vietnam nightmares so he could pass Civil Rights legislation.

Can you believe?  I had a kid thank me for sharing all this with them, in the way I'd done it.  I really felt like I'd accomplished something.  I said, those were the kind of politicians America used to have.

The future--ten kids at a time.

This is why I believe in something beyond us--something made MLK, made Robert Kennedy the fulcrum of a powerful historical moment.  They were not perfect men, but they stood for something.  It may be forgotten, the world may throw shit on it.  But, maybe not.

Jan 24:  To Congress and the executive branch:

You, sir, are no John Kennedy.  (Nor Robert, neither).

Jan 31, 2017:  
So I was asked a deeply profound question:  "Can I (or anyone) change?"  In keeping with my , uh, faith, I have to almost instinctively say "Yes!"  It's that old question the Determinists ask if people truly have free will.  My philosophy is, they do.  We may have to fight the science in our bodies, but we still have a choice.  Maybe I only believe this because I think the other option is so very ugly.

But now I have to think about why that is right, and of course it also relates to my personal troubles--which I think I have already perhaps had success with by making some small, but significant changes.  Like not letting other people control me so much.  They can't control what doesn't comply, Да?  Better for both.   I take the time for my own consumption --what I'm going to put in me both physically and mentally.  I'll have a big challenge in a week or two when the in-laws come.  She ain't gonna push me about.  Can that one change?  Addendum--I think she's getting too broken to push.

But why can people change?  Let's take something obvious, and science based,  like an addiction.  Drugs, porn, sex, alcohol, love, internet addictions.  OCD addictions like flicking the light switch.  A need: for speed. A manic's need for change, new sensory experiences. Obviously people have gotten themselves off these addictions.  Cynics might say they just substitute another behavior, a better addiction.  Religion for Booze, via the 12 steps.  Lessee, did I do that when I quit smoking?  I don't think so.  What did I substitute?

Can't think of anything.  Had another baby?  Nah.  Work?  Possibly, but I already worked when I smoked.   I think some people do swap out one thing for another, like strict exercise routines after a cocaine addiction.

But I think I mean more deeper, profound changes.  For example, I think maybe I perhaps didn't like myself as much when I was, say, 20. Bucking the system, and getting negative feedback.  I made superficial changes, for example,  by being more punk/rebellious in a place where that was not quite acceptable.  Maybe that sorta forced me to change, but further down the road, when I watered it back more.

Going through a real hardship, like possibly losing my daughter via the divorce--emotionally, was more a crucible for real change for me--knowing I could only count on myself to believe that she will understand where the truth of our terrible situation lies.  It's one of those things that just comes with time, repetition, solidness of character. It was a mantra to me--just be yourself, the truth will show itself.  And it did.  And it did force me to choose exactly those things that were most important, most me.

I think that is really the answer to why I believe.  Because I told myself it would happen, and it did.

  Maybe I need to work again on what exactly it is that I want, especially from my creative self.  I'm bored with playing by myself, and bored with the repetition band.  But, see, here's the tricky part.  Being bored is certainly not new for me--my whole life has been me searching for something outside of the boredom.  I think I need to look less outside myself for the boredom busters.

It's in my head, right?  The kingdom of heaven..

Feb 1:  Threading the needle morally, so that you don't destroy others but make yourself happy, is really, really difficult.  And takes subtlety.  I don't mean subtle like the serpent man.  But being open and looking at all the rabbit holes and time tunnels you might be making in your life--anticipating the consequences.  Trying where you can.

And actually knowing what it is you want.  There was a scene in the season 4 finale of Californication  that maybe gets close--the family and friends just laughing, relaxed (a little high, granted) and feeling the love of each others' company.  That's what I want, I think.  And don't have.
Why don't I have it?  Or, better, why do I feel like I don't have it?  Maybe I do. Nah..I spend too much of my free time alone.  But I do have my moments..

Train! Traayyyyyyenn!! Train I ride....

August 10, 2017:  



Thought I would make this its own post, although it also appears in my Soma thread.

Might I suggest a cross country train trip in lieu of the the golden Soma pills?  I'm in the last hours of a 50+  hour train ride: that's not counting an overnight layover in Chicago, the BIG train city, due to a missed connection.  I must be getting mellow in my age: even though this made me late for work ( I should be in a faculty workshop at this very minute), and there were a lot of hassles on the way, little of the problems really bothered me.  I just went with it, figuring it would work out, and it did.  I suspect hitting a mudslide in Denver is a pretty good natural disaster excuse.

Oh, so I took the California Zephyr from Emeryville (part of the SF/Berkeley/Oakland Bay area--it's the more suburban one full of the Targets, Home Depots, etc. that the rest of the Bay Area is too cool or ethnic for)...from Emeryville to Chicago, the full ride. This was unquestionably the best part of the trip.  Then the Capital Unlimited from Chicago to D.C., only missing the part that goes to NYC.   Then the Silver Star, down the East Coast, from D.C.  to Tampa, missing the terminus of Miami.  I love how the trains still have names, and even their corresponding numbers are low, unlike the airlines: our was 6, 30, and 91 respectively.  Old fashioned and easy to remember. Probably the cheapest way to see the whole country there is, if you go Coach, like we did.

There was so much good on this trip to outweigh some of the minor bad.  I'll get the bad out of the way first--in case anyone else is considering this romantic sounding (it is, though) journey.  First, sleeping is probably the worst part.  You have to sleep in your seats, like on a plane--but they are bigger, with better adjustments and footrests.  The other passengers can be a pain during the sleep phase: we got two snorers,  one worse than the other, some other various strange dudes. One train had this horrid squeak right above our heads.  The first two trains had no WiFi, so I ate up my data  plan on my cell phone taking pictures and movies, watching movies, texting and killing time.  The last train, the Silver Star, claims to have WiFi, but it only kicked in halfway, and then my power source for charging went dead.  The food situation is not great--sleepers get a package deal, but if you go coach like we did you have to pay for every meal, and they ain't cheap.  The least expensive dinner was a very dry chicken breast succotash, and a starch--for 17.00.  It went upward there to 26.00 for a steak dinner, 36.00 for steak and shrimp, the ultimate bougee meal.  Joe and I only ate on the dinner car once--the rest of the time we made do with microwaved pizza, burgers and dogs from the cafe, which had a variety of convenience store stuff including booze.  Later we got smart and brought our own food with us. The bathrooms are very much like on a plane, some bigger, though, no showers, and some with additional human smells.  Bring your own drinking water source, too.

I got myself yelled at during lunch service in the dining car because it was my first hour on board, and I didn't yet know the layout of the train--I was looking for the cafe car which was on a lower level.  I tried to go through the dining car and got the big freeze from the wait staff cos I didn't have a reservation.  I explained what I was looking for and got sent in the other direction, only to meet Joe, who insisted what we were looking for was on the other side of the dining car.  When he saw me coming again, this black host/waiter just went all sarcastic and starting talking like I wasn't there to hear," Well, I guess I just don't know what I'm talkin' about..",  he said to no one.  He was nicer later when we had a real reservation.

But, for someone like me, the crazy passengers, admittedly some who were trouble, are part of the charm of train-riding.  First of all, you get to know them much better and for longer periods than on a plane--there's some sort of tradition of train friendliness that happens.  I didn't get too involved since I had Joe with me and he doesn't go in for that sort of thing, but there was a lot to observe and pick up on in brief encounters.  If you really want to see America, its real citizens, get on a train.

 For example, the train staff, conductors (my great-grandpa was  one, for the B&O, I think ) are so much more human and humane than airline staff.  They run around actively troubleshooting everyone's problems, although they don't "wait" on you, like in the sky.  They definitely don't seem so corporate, holding down a bunch of stupid rules to maintain the bottom line.  Sue (see, I know her name!  was one of those great, gruff, jolly old gals with a smoker's laugh, and a no nonsense attitude like a good, benevolent schoolteacher).  She was sick the whole trip, but still went out of her way for so many passengers, just one of those salt-o-the earth types.  The airlines should take note.  She just had a common sense approach to things, rather than corporate rule following.  For example, in the Eastern parts of rural Cali and western Nevada, as night came on, Joe snuck across the aisle to an empty seat to sleep more comfortably.  We thought Sue hadn't noticed, but she had, she was just being compassionate.  As dawn came and we were approaching a bigger city, with new arriving passengers, she quietly informed Joe he'd have to go back to his seat to make room for the new people, after the stop.  Lovely way to handle that, and the same thing happened on the Silver Star in Florida.

We had two different Cafe ladies--the first one was a bored chubby  tattooed millennial who raced through her train announcements in an almost indecipherable  monotone, like a disengaged kid trying to get through his turn reading aloud as quickly as possible. She perked up for me when I gave her a 3 dollar tip for a drink.  The second one was a real peach.  She  had this overweight middle aged drunk guy: two mornings in a row he was drinking beers and buying rounds for some black ladies, one who I think was a transvestite with the signature elaborate hairdo and scarf?  They were treating the Cafe Car like it was their personal watering hole, and she cheerfully played bartender to them while simultaneously dealing with the long line of customers like me.  Saw him this morning in the diner car at 9am with a full Corona in his hand surrounded by an entourage of new dark ladies yucking it up.  To look at  just a picture of him, you would have taken him for the most deeply red-necked, seed-cap wearing bigot, but here he was with his preferred company.  The Cafe lady--this is on the Silver Star--was very nice and accommodating.  She filled up Joe's big hiking water bottle to the brim with ice, and when I tried to buy a cup of two-dollar coffee, then told her sadly I had the option of  my sad single dollar, a $20, or a credit card, she promptly transferred it to a slightly smaller complimentary cup, said, on the house, and I, in gratitude put my sad single in her tip box.  She said, taken aback, "Oh, no, I didn't do it for that!"  I said, "I know, that's why!"

After the mudslide fiasco, the whole train was treated to a free dinner of beef stew, mashed potatoes, rolls, drinks, and the ubiquitous succotash.  It was better than the paid for meal.

Other characters:  on the California Zephyr, we had a whole carful of Amish, of all ages.  There was a whole family of blonde girls, plus their mother, dressed in identical eye-popping bright turquoise  homemade dresses that made them stand out from the rest in dark and blue.  They were the exception of travelers with no electronic  devices at all--they all had worn books with them for entertainment--noticed one was the old-timey religious book Shepherd of the Hills.  Some of the kids had coloring books, one lady was doing needlepoint.  A big gang of them was playing cards, speaking some hybrid of German and English which I guess was Pennsylvania Dutch.   They were laughing and having a fine old time, men and women together. Yet, when they talked to us "English", they easily slipped into almost unaccented American English. Some young Amish couple was sparking alone in the club car away from the others--his moustache-less beard less developed than the others'.  I saw one middle aged Amish guy in the observation car deep in conversation with an Asian man--perhaps exchanging ideas about their thoughts on American culture. On the smoke break stops I noticed two Amish men would get out on the platform and light up.  I thought maybe they had some home-grown tobacco with Roll-your-own papers, but no, they were smoking standard American cigarettes with the telltale brown filters.

In general, the train is where all sorts of ethnicities and races blend and go out out of their way to get along.  I got nothing put politeness and sunny smiles from the African Americans on the Silver Star--the mix was about half, with some Hispanics thrown in.  On the Capitol Ltd., Joe and I ate dinner with a man from Nigeria--we had a great conversation once we got passed the uncomfortable introductions.  He told Joe he could see in his eyes how intelligent he was--how well he would do at Cyber Security.  At another meal we sat with a Chicago suburban social worker and her deeply autistic son who "loved trains" and who was having some conversation with himself concerning mileage and other train minutiae.

There was one poor old black lady who spent the majority of the California Zephyr ride in the club Car with her head glued to the table, smothered in a colorful blanket.  I thought she was sick: every time I went down there, even with hours passing, there she was in the same position. Several other passengers inquired thoughtfully about her health, which she brushed off politely. Finally, at one point she perked up, and started laughing uproariously at some thought: she was having the time of her life alone.  This went on for more than 15 minutes!  Joe and I were surprised to see her on the next train too, even with the layover.  It seemed like the train staff knew her, and I wondered if she just spent the remainder of her life riding around on the train.

The other eccentrics:  there's some young 20 something boy on here wearing charcoal colored touring shorts, an old fashioned long sleeved shirt with a string tie and  a large scrimshaw etched bolo the size of a Victorian brooch, long soft chestnut hair and a Eastern European linen cap with a leather bill, like out of an old movie. Seemed like he was trying to look Dutch.  Lots of weird and strange leathered boots on some men.  A 40ish  guy all in a black metal T who got on drunk at Reno, who called poor Sue a "Cougar he didn't need" out of earshot when she was just trying to be friendly and helpful , then proceeded to describe his pot-smoking escapades to two underage girls across the aisle who were too naive I suppose to recognize he was trouble in a silver bottle.  I anticipated some big mess happening from him, but thankfully he fell asleep after 30 minutes of non-stop braggadocio, and got off two stops later.  Another potential  troublemaker went up and down the cars during the mudslide (we got stopped for 5 hours because of a hail induced mudslide outside of Denver in those clay canyons, and no one was allowed to get off because "FTA regs") : seemed like he was trying to strike up a rebellion to get the conductor to go further backwards to civilization where we could get off--I suspect he was one of the smokers.

Contrasting black and white cowboys ( not by hats, but by skin color)--one looked pure African.  The white,  long-haired and carefully dressed cowboy looked like a magazine cover, and seemed to be a bit of a ladies man--quite flirtatious.     A 250+ lb young girl with a baby who was an unfortunately very untalented mother.  She seemed self-conscious about having a potentially squalling baby on such a long trip. The baby was pretty good really, sleeping most of the way, but every time she made the slightest whine this inexperienced mother just yelled  at her to be quiet. Other passengers were giving her tips to keep the baby (under one yrs. old I'm guessing--I never actually saw it, but it wasn't even babbling yet, let alone talking)  happy, like taking her to the observation car to look out the window, to keep her from being bored, but the young mother was disinclined.  She herself seemed unimpressed with the dramatic landscapes rolling by out the window.  Maybe she had troubles on her mind.

 Then there was the guy in front of us, all night, on the Capitol Ltd.  First of all, he was a twitchy mess.  The guy sitting with him would talk to him in English, which he seemed to understand, but then he answered in some strange language I could not discern--he looked European, dressed like a red neck American in a red t-shirt and Jorts.  When he got on at 6:40 pm he immediately jammed (and I mean jammed!) his seat down into the sleeping position and left it that way the whole trip, bouncing my laptop, meals, etc. off my tray in a precarious way, talking to himself in this odd language every time  he tossed and turned every ten minutes or so. Once it got dark, though, he did this really crazy thing--he whipped out one of those aluminum foil looking space blankets and covered himself in it.. this just upped his annoying factor by tenfold since this blanket made loud, crinkly noises every time he turned or moved, which was a lot.  I spent the night thinking I was hearing an open mike with wind blowing across it in a blustery place, say, SF or Chicago down by the lake.  I thought he was snoring, too, but it turned out to be the weird pink haired girl on the other side, who later was yelling, "WHAT?!" into her phone every 2 minutes.  Give it a rest, sis.  Later, I figured out on my Amazon Music on my phone that I had these long recordings of Nature Sounds..I put on the Ocean one in repeat mode and slept pretty decently.  Poor Joe did not, plus he seemed to have gotten a bug from someone on the train.

Would I do this again, in coach?  I'd prefer a sleeper. and I'm pretty sure I'm going to consider this complete route a once in s lifetime experience that I'm glad I did.   For others, just guess it's a matter of how adventurous you are, how willing to put up with discomfort.  Young people, sure, should do it, for the price and all you get to see. I think I just probably hit the outer most reaches of the age where I can deal with this, especially with my stomach.

NPA

NPA.


June 21, 2017

On this date, the Dems are once again in Deep Thought and Analysis because their handsome JFK style boy Jon Ossoff just lost the special election to a female Rep.  I think I have an idea why...the Democrats don't seem to have a clue.  But...

The NPA party is growing.

I want this to read like an open letter to both the Democratic and Republican Party leaders.  I'm the one you want.  NPA.  You know what that means--No Party Affiliation.  It says it right on my Voter I.D.  It's always said that, from the time I was 18 and got the right to vote. I'm not a nut job with a gun.  I did this right after the Vietnam War ended, and I was already beginning to smell a big, dead evil smell in politics.  Yeah, the Republicans are the warmongers, right?  But who accelerated this mess?  Who was more heavily invested in the messaging? Was it, hmmm...LBJ?  But at least he had the decency to show the results of his decisions on his face (another sag for every boy killed) and chose not to run again in acknowledgement of his hubris and mistakes.  That was my first interest in politics, fueled by fear for my family members and friends.  My first husband had a Vietnam draft number that missed, my brother, mercifully, missed the entire show.

So, when I got the form to apply for Voter Registration, I hesitated at the box that asked me to pick a Party, with a big "P".  I considered writing in the Dems--most of my family had been Dems, Union people, hip  60s generation college grads, Catholics tired of the authoritarian  ideas of the Church.  My mother just didn't want to go through the horrors of pregnancy a 6th, 7th, 8th time (she didn't). That sounds terrible: I should explain: as a rule-following Catholic my mother got pregnant at 19, soon after her marriage, and then every 14-16 months for the next 6 years.  It was wearing on her health, even at that young age.  There was no spacing like modern parents have the luxury of today, and there were consequences that I will keep private for my mother's sake.  There are other things about women's health and pregnancy politicians seem to ignore, for some sort of fake family support (which apparently doesn't include decent financial/ insurance support.)

Uhh, for myself?  My first health insurance policy, at 21 (I was full-time employed and married) did not include maternity.  My  insurance (via employment as a teacher) came through that big supporter of family, the Catholic Diocese of ____. Let me say this again: IT DID NOT COVER MATERNITY--I don't mean maternity leave--I mean ANY expense incurred due to the birth of a child. No doctor's visits,  Well-care, ultrasounds, no coverage in the hospital, no hospital stay, no obstetrician's fees, no drugs,  no neonatal vitamins, nothing, nada.  I had to save up for 6 years to pay for the $3000 plus dollars I would need to have a baby. (That was @ one- fourth of my yearly salary).  And that was just if nothing went wrong--and I had natural childbirth, which I did.  So I saved the 3K and was blessed !! that nothing went wrong. I'll let you sort out how I avoided pregnancy for 6 years with my mother's genes.

 But, back to politics, something wasn't right on both sides.  (Turns out my parents switched parties with Reagan).  Not me.  I heard you could just write, "No Party", in that little blank: it made tons of sense to me at the time, but I was a little worried about what would happen.  Would it somehow affect my ability to vote?

When I got my card I was sort of relieved: it said "NPA" in that little blank.  (I had been afraid that State of Florida was going to tell me something like I'd invalidated my form by doing this, so I was happy to get anything back).  I hardly knew anyone who did this, and  so had no one to walk me through what would happen.  Lots of people just plain didn't believe me.  I got this a lot: " Oh, you're a Democrat, come on. "  I think they thought they could tell by the way I dressed or something.  My Rock 'N' Roll taste? Maybe some of the positions I took, although they may not have noticed I was playing Devil's Advocate.

It turns out it did in fact impact my ability to vote, however.  Here in Florida I've never, ever  been able  to vote in a primary.  this used to anger me, but now I just think it's the price I've paid for being  true blue to myself and outside the two major systems, and good riddance.   However, it's the strong party people who have always informed me I had zero right to be disgruntled.  Imagine.

It's true that on some high profile issues I tend to have the same views as the Democrats historically: health care,  (I'm for single-payer--are the Dems?  Some people think so, I'm skeptical) women's and abortion/birth control  rights, for example.  I have an occupation that tends Dem.  I have friends who try to convince me I'm messing up politics by not signing up with the Dems.  I've voted for politicians all over the spectrum: Republicans, Dems, Greens, Libertarians.  No Tea Partiers, though.  I do tend to go Dem more often.  I campaigned for Obama--1st time in years, since the time  I stumped for a Rep.

But lately I can feel the parties closing in on me.  They want to know what I'm thinking.  I get 5 to 15 e-mail solicitations a day, mostly these days from the desperate ones, the Dems (I used to get them from both, but I think the Reps gave up on me somewhere, maybe  the Obama campaign, maybe some petition I signed?  So, I'm going to write this down once, to answer your party questions about what I'm thinking politically--my pie in the sky attempt to get you to stop bothering me every five minutes.  If you  parties want my support you should immediately rethink these things !  I will start with the most irritating:

• Signing Birthday, Thank You, and Anniversary Cards for Your Politician (name here):

            If ever there was a  tone deaf, asinine, echo-chambered, self-absorbed, who
            gives a    flying fig, means of acertaining my support, this is it.  This is definitely

            a Dem thing--so cute and cuddly and personalizing, such happy solicitations.  Look, 

            you may know  Your Politician (name here) well enough, may be adoring enough, 

           to celebrate his/her birthday, anniversary, christening, plum pulled out of a pie.

            But. Not. Me.  You are My Time Waster.

            This is supposed to be your job. And your family members e-mailing me   

             doesn't soften me up.  Keep your partying in the office, because you have
             no respect for my time. This means you Al F.

• Screaming Hysterical Subject Lines In E-Mails:

            I.E.--Obamacare Fails!  Trumpcare Wins! Planned Parenthood Defunded!     

           OSSOFF LOSES! (this two weeks before the election has been held).
            Hmm.  Advertising 101, get the reader's ATTENTION.

            Tuned it all out, sorry.  I think my hearing's been damaged.

• Slanted, Biased Stories in the News. 

             Contrary to the popular opinion of writers of media, (both sides) we can tell.  Stop 

             embarrassing yourselves. Stop planting stories pro or con.  

• The Addiction, Yours, To Money.  

            Politics and Money have fit together hand in glove since the big-bang, or "Let There

            Be  Light".  But for the love of all things sacred stop being so obviously 

            greedy!  Those 5 to 15 e-mails for me almost always have a donation button

             to push. And the election is over!   I consider myself politically active, but
             I am not going to give any of you one penny, because---because--

            I think it's time for an intervention.  You don't need  all that money. 

            And don't say it's okay cos all the other kids do it...You have a substance

            problem. Citizens United doesn't matter if none of us cares about the money.

• We Never Really See Your Platforms.  That's all I need to see.
• Tell Your Politicians To Do Their Jobs.  Like Show Up To Vote For Stuff. Read Bills.  State Their Positions  Clearly.
• Find Some Means to Really  Talk To Your Constituents: a two-way platform. 
• There's this Existential Idea.  It's about Modern Man paralyzed from Too Much Info. TAI.
• Assuming Everyone You Write to Agrees With You.
•  Assuming Everyone You Write to Loves You Unconditionally, and your dumbest idea.
• Just Throw It All Away.  Forget Everything You Think You Know.  We have.

Glad I picked No Party Affiliation.  Don't plan to change it. Now More Than Ever.  And I know what to do with a Spam button.
                                                *************************
July 2:  I just finished watching some of the Netflix documentaries on the 80's.  Does that make my stomach hurt to have that kind of civility again.  As much as I disagreed with Reagan's scare tactics then, he would be welcome as a voice of reason now.  Remember when it was considered gauche to call your opponents names (there was this understanding of a thing called the ad hominem argument).
"My esteemed colleague from Nebraska.." was the classic way old timey politicians used to address one another.

July 17: I read a New Yorker piece by a fiction writer I like, George Saunders, who kinda went on assignment into Trump rallies all over the US to take the temperature and try to analyze what is happening.  He says up front he's liberal, but I think he managed to be fairly objective and write what he saw. One recurring phenomenon:  when he talked to individuals seriously about their beliefs and what was fair, people on both sides, the Pro-Trump rally supporters and the Anti-Trump protesters, mostly sounded like ordinary, thoughtful people with unsurprising compassion for the other side, etc, etc.   But in the frenzied crowd, they acted insane, yelling horrible things, carrying terrible signs, being borderline threatening.

His main method of discussing the issues was to try to attach them as much as possible to reality.  For example, with those against Obamacare, he'd say--do you have it yourself, have you had any problems with it?  Very few had a personal grievance,  or even someone else's story, it was just some vague theory they were repeating. Some were people who spent a time in government lines for various things, who made all sorts of assumptions about the others in line with them.  "They were illegal immigrants!"  "Wow, that's something! So, how could you tell that?" No answer.  Two veterans, both Mexican Americans, on opposite sides, were trying to prove they were the more patriotic one.  Yelling nasty comments at each other in an absurd and frightening way.

 He gave real scenarios to several immigration cases to some BUILD_A_WALL supporters, and when asked to judge how to handle a real life case, like a girl who was brought to the US by her parents at age 3, who couldn't find work or afford college, who ended up in jail because she used her mother's SS card to get a job--there was sympathy.  Usually everyone asked.."are they good people?"   The same dynamic happened with the protesters, like a masked kid who Saunders asked, if you want to stop police brutality, do you think what you are doing is helping or hurting the situation? The kid admitted, probably not helping, but ten minutes later was back to his shenanigans. GS has this sort of non threatening, bland appearance that makes him seem nonjudgmental, so he seems to get people to open up their feelings to him--a tack maybe some professional journalists could learn.

What I got from this is perhaps realizing this was all just an American show, people from all sorts of points of view venting and displacing their anxiety.  but they will all go home, calm down, and be the docile citizens they've always been, and closer to the opposition's views than it appears.

Sept 8: It just occurred to me.  Probably the party leaders couldn't care less about me and my party affiliations.  I think they think they can cook the books and manipulate things enough that my vote doesn't mean shit to them.

June 3, 2018:  18 months into the Donald fiasco.  Will we survive it?  I'm so sick of him, the media, the bias, everything to do with Washington, D.C.  Still staunchly NPA, but I'm so happy to see the Washington insiders dropping like RAID sprayed flies...this was the outcome I was hoping for with DT, even though I couldn't stomach voting for such a gross person. But waiting out his term is excruciating--he couldn't possibly be re-elected, right?  RIGHT?  Some people think so, and I read a long extended article in the Washington Post about my beloved Mississippi River valley and what people are thinking there--lots of scrambled feelings, lots of well-deserved media hatred.   Boy, do they hate Congress! ))

 Been watching some interesting debates online: Jordan Peterson--prof of U of Toronto, controversial for having used the phrase "Enforced Monogamy", Stephen Fry,--the magnificent actor, writer and thinker, Michelle Goldberg, a young hipster journalist from the New York Times who loves liberal jargon and expects the audience to feel as she does.  Other discussions were with a Harvard prof ( I think?) named Steven Pinker.  Peterson can really suck you in, boy, but after watching several hours of his talk, and acknowledging how others have jumped to conclusions about his ideas that are unfortunately drawn from hard- to- reach crevices in Academia--not necessarily difficult, but just ideas that need specialized knowledge and a bit of digging--I've decided he's a bit of an intellectual crackpot who is not entirely honest about his intentions.

 The "enforced monogamy", BTW, is an idea from anthropology:  its essence is to point out that historically, human societies have become less violent during periods of socially enforced monogamy, with a nod for the cure to our uncivilized little incel weirdos  who have recently popped up in the news via the U of Toronto/Santa Barbara killings.  Now, JP can argue all he wants that he's just using intellectual/academic concepts to explain human behavior, but it seems a tad convenient to me that these ideas placate his very specific audience--yes, those same angry young misogynist males plus some of his actual college students and various other online listeners, two of which are good, rational friends of mine,  who go gooey for him, and even more importantly, support him by buying his books and paying him actual money directly via Patreon.

Even less pretty  is the fact that he has incited these young men (and maybe a few ladies) to pay more by implying that his job is under threat at U of Toronto,  something the university itself says is patently false.  My son has looked askance at his presence for yet another reason--his peddling of some sort of personality test quackery that sounds pretty fishy to me.  There's something about the mix of his ideas that just seems off-- claims of "classical Liberalism"and Jungian psychology mixed with all this hierarchy and winner/loser dichotomies, and anti-Marxist, anti-political correctness--too testostrone-y and straw man for me.  He's being labeled "alt-right" due to his cult of personality followers (that he claims he doesn't encourage), which may not be entirely fair, but something doesn't jive with some of his hyperbole.  He's not as logical as he claims to be--and often gets angry when challenged.  I do agree with his tenets about taking personal responsibility for your life and avoiding lapsing into victimhood.

Michelle Goldberg, was debating from the supposedly opposite side--BTW, the topic was Political Correctness, or to be more debate proper, Pro/Con this statement: "What you call Political Correctness, I call Progress."  Michelle took the pro side, but mostly managed to talk about the patriarchy and feminism and white privilege and all that sort of thing.  I thought her argument and her partner's (some black prof I can't remember who talked a lot about racism) was the weakest of the group.  The best was Stephen Fry, who appealed to the middle by saying essentially all this over the top name-calling on both the left and right needs to stop to avoid the implosion of modern civility.

Stephen Fry is pretty well established as a liberal, but he is a sensible one who detests PC culture and calls out his own side for what he sees going on on college campuses these days. He's my favorite--one that uses civilized debate language the old fashioned way, doesn't use ad hominem arguments, doesn't pull out esoteric tangents to show off, even though he is obviously well-read, and mainly is sympathetic, and sympatico.  He also has an interview show, like Peterson, and they both interviewed to promote the ideas of Steven Pinker, whose field of expertise is The Enlightenment.  He has this amazingly optimistic theory that he backs up with real data, unlike JP, who seems to want us to believe him because we are in his thrall like the Ancient Mariner....

 Pinker's latest book is called Enlightenment Now, and attempts to establish a counter to all the apocalyptic cries that civilization is over, end-times are near, etc.  He just uses plain facts.  Over the centuries, the conditions of mankind has vastly improved.  We live longer.  We have eradicated many deadly diseases. Wars are less frequent. Violence is down, crime has decreased. Murder has decreased.  What we call poverty now was vastly worse in the past. Women's lives are much improved.  He doesn't say things are perfect, but he does make the argument that we continue on an upward trajectory of increasing the betterment of humanity.  The implication is that the enlightenment, its scientific and egalitarian ideas, have been a smashing success and continue to be upheld, if sometimes imperfectly, in modern culture.  I like that thought, although I haven't read the actual book, and probably won't since I think I got its point.  Donald, watch out!  We're not going to be dragged back to the Dark Ages!

Which brings me to a new book I am actually reading:  my old buddy Steve Almond of My Life In Heavy Metal fame.  He is a really interesting thinker--not in a box, like I like, although skewing  moderately liberal.  (Heheh, I was surprised to see, when I was adjusting some privacy settings on my FB page that they have decided I am a political moderate.  Success!!!Anyway, Steve, another Steve!  Has a new book out, non-fiction--he writes both--called, "Bad Stories: What the Hell Just Happened to My Country?"  which is, of course, about the 2017-18 election of Donald Trump, and all the fine pieces that have lead up to it.  His insights are unexpected, and rather amazing, frankly. A few things I kinda knew--the source of the housing bubble, various recessions, corrections , Citizens United,  the polarization of politics, etc.   But this part just stopped me in my tracks --or got me off my butt to write!  Because it was one of the Reagan era changes I didn't know about...the gutting of the "Fairness Doctrine."

What is The Fairness Doctrine?  Well, I'm old enough to have experienced its impact--unfortunately my children haven't.  It's one of the key pieces to how we got here to this bank and shoal of time.  So...
In the old days, anytime a politician was given free air-time, on either the radio or TV, the media was sworn to give his opponent, or the opposing idea, equal time.  It was to keep media from taking sides on something that was considered a public commodity that couldn't be owned--the American airwaves. I remember this--and probably the most obvious example of this was during campaign seasons, debates, and political party conventions.
Well, seems Ronnie Raygun, did it again.  It wasn't just deregulation, like the airlines, his shilling for the Republicans against his natural beliefs on things like abortion.  He gutted the Fairness Doctrine.

It is not a coincidence that it was during Reagan's administration that I first heard of a DJ called Rush Limbaugh.  In the early 80s I knew about him because I had a late night job, delivering newspapers--or, my ex did, and I helped him.  We filled the paper boxes in  particular neighborhoods of St. Pete, which was a lot of driving and listening to late night radio.  Rush.  He wasn't so crazy and full of venom then--he was actually interesting to listen to--before he had dittoheads.  His show wasn't even that political.  But it wasn't much later that he moved to daytime AM--apparently this was a thing that went through the nation.  The Fairness Doctrine was revoked, or whatever you call it, and it was now fair game to hire DJs with extreme points of view--no need for balance anymore!  And A.M. radio, that had been steadily losing listeners for over a decade, suddenly got a new lifeline--crazy right wing DJs--filled a missing hole, and across the nation became very popular, then powerful.

Isn't this all starting to make sense?  It was also about that time that on FM, you started to get the shock jocks: Howard Stern's id was free (Ken tells me he was less controversial as a Rock DJ in DC, and his recent interview with David Letterman confirms this).  Locally we had, first, Ron & Ron, a stand-up comedian added to the popular FM Rock station's morning drive who did twisted jokes and talked a lot about thong bikinis, the hot-dog girls who wore them on the Redneck Riviera, Mons Venus and other strip clubs.  Then, even grosser, we got Bubba-the LoveSponge--all these, including Howard eventually flew high into syndicated territory, but then imploded.  (Ron Diaz's kid was at our school for a bit, and he had lost all his weight-lifting physique by then). But before that we got cable TV without regulation like the networks--Showtime and HBO and-------Fox News.  Now you really see where this lack of Fairness Doctrine is going, and that ironic, in-your-face slogan, "Fair and Balanced."  The dominoes just all fell.

Nov 10, 2018:

The political things that happened this week:

•  Regardless of whether you want to argue the metaphoric accuracy of a wave, the Dems won all over the nation in races they shouldn't have.  And there were races that were close, even if the Dems lost them, that were surprising
• Lots of new women in office!
• Progressive amendments won all over, including Minimum Wage hikes, taxes imposed on corporations to fight homelessness, overturning felony voting rights' restrictions (go FL!), ecc., ecc....
• Okay Donald's party won a few lousy Senate races and governorships.  This time.
• Despite his speeches about how his side won, Baby Donald's real feelings are showing when he got critical questions at one of his rare press conferences, so he decided to go full Stalinist and revoke the offending press critic's press pass in the White House pool, and had his minions accuse him of assaulting a female intern...the irony glares like a highly polished mirror.
• FL does good again by challenging its gerrymandered, tight races with recounts, for two important positions especially: Governor and Senator.
• Trump finally fires Sessions, leaving the Russian probe vulnerable.  This continues our unstable state, but maybe his opposition has this?  Probably the probe has enough depth that firing one isn't gonna stop it, and there are already stories being published about how Trump's replacement won't pass muster and may need to recuse himself too, for ties to the original Pres campaign.  
• Trump is criticizing Macron this morning on the way to his trip to France, saying Macron's comments that Europe should build its own army,(Excuse me but isn't this what the Donald wanted about a half a year ago when he disrupted  our alliances? Oh, no, he just wants Europe to pay us for use of our troops, how very Trump-like a solution..)  possibly in the wake of  problems with China and Russia, and the unstable nature of The present USA.  Makes sense to me.
• Fox News has thrown out a few feelers of allowing some of its on-air talent to criticize the Baby-Man.  they must be thinking about the future, and what Fox News will need to morph into once all its unhealthy baby-boomers inevitably die off.  
• It's probably over boys.  But the next two years will be stomach tightening until all settles.  Go USA!

Minimalism

April 15:

Henry David Thoreau--"Simplify".  I have it over my desk.  Do I live it???

I can do better.  This is kinda like packing for a trip.

What I absolutely need: a list.

Music Equipment:

• I think 3 guitars would do it.  1) My Telecaster.  2) My Taylor acoustic.  3) One of my extra fender acoustics, in case of having a musical guest.  Maybe the electric Acoustic a kid left me last year, plus cord.  ( I actually have about 9 more, not counting ones I share with K--ridiculous, but most are for school).
• An amp-- the Roland Cube (not exactly mine, but leaves all the Fender amps, which are).  Of course, I need all the cords, extension cords, etc.  Changed my mind--the Fender vibroluxe in lieu  of the new Carvin.  What a beast.  Even Joe's Epiphone sounds rad on heavy stuff.
• My microphone and mic stand plus cords.    PA?  oh, a problem.  Monitor?  At least.
• Music stand, music Book.
• guitar cases, picks, capos, a tuner with batteries, a stand or two.
• one of the magic stompboxes (which is an effects pedal extra-ordinaire).

Clothes:  (this will be my Waterloo..)

• My four favorite pair of jeans, plus my wide black belt.  Purple and grey-green cords.
• 3 of my four pair of boots, plus my blue rain boots, the black overshoes.
• my favorite sweaters: the Kurt Cobain Navy Stripe, the red 50s, (more?), the orange turtleneck? several cardigans.  lots of sweaters--I love sweaters.
• dresses--1) the white eyelet one  2) the sweater one I got from the Brit Chick in St. Augustine, the striped navy knit thing w/ handkerchief hem, Brown party dress I wore to "Mousetrap"
• skirts?  That brown tweed thing.  Maybe the blue one I wore to Julie's wedding.  
• underwear--newest, and Calvin Klein stuff. Thirdlove, purple and mocha.
• socks--red, red striped, black/grey.  White ones, brown ones.
• two of my semi-"professional" brown pairs of pants I like anyway--lots of the other work clothes can go....>>> Maybe one pair of black pants for??
• two plain black T's, some button down shirts, like that knit denim colored one...
• jackets:  the brown double breasted thing, the weird cut buttonless brown thing with white seams that I like to wear with my black hoodie, the strange polyester olive green one that I can't really button flatteringly,but looks kinda r n' r 70s, the Edwardian maroon corduroy, that gray 80s asymetrical button up cotton thing, the white denim, salmon hoodie, the faded to Maine red corduroy I got in the St. Louis thrift store and that weird knitted denim hoodie from same place that I wore shooting (with bonus pockets)--what can I say, I like wearing jackets when the weather is right:  + all my scarves?
• Coats:the beige  belted car coat I got for San Francisco, my heavy winter pea coat, the vermillion raincoat that fits in a pouch
• Most of my jewelry and earrings.

Books:  hmmm.  online books..  should I keep some?  Maybe some of my gardening books and Romantic Poetry and Riverside Shakespeare with college notes?  My Russian books.

Movies?  Sam ting

Vinyl--almost all--need to get  turntable, needle, which speakers?

Electronics:Sorry 

• phone, 
• laptop
• Kindles are mandatory, plus 
• my I-pod, if it won't die.

TV?????? Not sure.  I can watch on line.  Hopefully my life will be too full for this worry.

Car:

• Some kinda cheap one, to move.  Around in.  Preferably stick.

Furniture:

• A bed, and mattress, of course.
• pillows I like.  Or, I can always get new?
• two chairs.  Of what I have, the flocked teal  50s chair, and the big gold oversized thing plus oversized footstool.
• One of the wooden antique desks?  plus my antique wooden chair 
• the bedroom rocker 
• bar stools? depends if I have a bar.  I varnished the suckers.
• the newer, smaller piano.  Or, Icould get a decent keyboard--and that Moog app Xenakis has.
•       my new Nat'l Park suitcase, laptop bag.  Tina's black crocheted purse.

Kitchen and Bath Stuff:

• Bialetti Italian espresso maker, tea kettle
• Bean grinder??
• the Vitamix blender is MINE!   (present).
• an iron skillet--which size? medium, I guess
• a casserole dish
• some bowls, plates, silver ware,  glasses, coffee mugs--the Thomas Jefferson one that says "Music is the favourite passion of my soul".. the one Katie made for me.  
• one cutting board--decent size
• baking sheets and pans
• What about either my mother's or grandmother's dishes?  I have them both.  It would be nice to use my gma's--1940s set.
• corkscrew.  can-opener.  Good knives. 
• collander--I'll take the yellow one from my first wedding.   My godparents gave it to me.
• the popcorn pot and the smaller saucepan.
• my left-handed scissors.  And sewing kit.

I'll buy all new towels.  I'll keep one set of double sheets, until I buy my own.

Nostalgia:

• all my pictures of my ancestors, and my mom, parents' wedding pic in front of Gma Lou's house, the "communist' picture of Mom, Gma Lou and Gpa Fred in their empty dining room.
• pictures of my kids that are in the bathroom, more, if possible
• the picture of the guy peeling potatoes with his dog
• picture of Ken and Kate in the old Dodge Dart Swinger, on the road.
• some of my paintings: #1 A Forest.  Done in BR's Art class.  The Cure inspiration.
• Kate's Klimt she gave me
• my oil painting of Alton houses
• Kate's weird Angel painting (that's how i think of it)--still not sure what's going on there.  It reminds me of a Tarkovsky film.
• NONe of the cat statues.

April 19: I just promised my old Black Squier Strat to Luke for $65. It's a start.  Addendum--sold the Silvertone electric piece of junk to one of Joe's friends for $65...on a roll!

May 12:  Well joke's on me--being forced to downsize in one area at least--my classroom.  I'm moving to a much smaller space: Chuck's old classroom in the Chem lab.  Honestly I don't mind so much, except for nostalgia.   AND the ridiculous notion of doing 2 drama classes in that very small space!!  We'll have to go outside a lot.

But things have started to feel a little stale and moldy in my room for awhile, and this will force me to choose what's going to be necessary to carry on.  Big problem is what to do with all my guitars and costumes!  I don't think I have a closet in the new room.  The Chem supply room?

June 6:    aha, a little preview of the purge in  this cleaning out of my cobwebby classroom. It is wonderful.  I feel much better, smaller, more compact, more useful, more focused.  My house needs the same. Aug 16:And even moving it all back is better.  I can breathe.